Sorry, again. I have been doing some reassessment. When I told my parents I was divorcing they asked, why? I perfectly legitimate question and my only answer was I didn’t like the person I was; I was tense, always ready for criticism or a fight. If there was a reaction to stress, I suffered from it. I spent days and dollars trying to make this person that everyone claimed was the appreciative, social, happy one; happy. And he never seemed happy to me; he was always angry, always shouting. We were eating and spending our way out of depression and unhappiness and never quite getting out of the spiral of feeding the beast that was devouring us. He desperately needed attention and love, I needed control. I tried giving him my total undivided attention and love (with the exception of our children, of course), leaving none for myself. I became angry and sad and sick.
Well, now I have the power to be the person I like. I want to give my time to charity, lose some weight, run a marathon, become a (mostly) vegan. These are things I have always been told I really can’t do. I have to give my time to my kids, I am genetically and geographically screwed with food, I have asthma, and vegans are sick and sad.
I am already sick and sad; I have eczema, allergies, asthma and a neurological disorder called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. I recall as a active teenager I was never in better health, I don’t remember feeling as bad when I was sick then either. And on the topic of charity, my kids should learn how to give of themselves without thought of reward.
I have always talked to them about creating their own “Pirate Code,” rules they follow because they believe them right. The idea that a person does the right thing because they will either be rewarded or punished is infantile and unself-actualized. In other words, if you are taught to thank God or curse the devil; I don’t feel you are taking responsibility for your actions. And as firm believer in God, I really think he, like most fathers, want his children to be strong and take responsibility, to mature.
I am going to mature, I am going to set some goals for myself and see what I can learn from the process of attaining those goals. Here they are:
1) Lose 35 Lbs, I won’t tell you how much a weigh but this is not a unrealistic number.
2) Exercise everyday, eventually getting fit enough to train for a marathon.
3) Attempt a juice fast. I tried that lemonade syrup cayenne fast, that was awful. I have never felt worse. But all the evidence I have read about juice fasting is that is will positively affect my health.
4) Start thinking positively about myself and others. I am a pessimist, I would rather be pleasently surprised than dissappointed. For most of my life and my career, others have taken from me to better themselves and I have allowed that to poison my soul and my character. That will stop, I will not allow myself to be used but I will attempt to stop expecting it. I will count my blessings and feel overjoyed when I do. I know that I am a good loyal friend who would give the shirt off my back for anyone, I want others to see that as well. I want to be approachable and feel the confidence to go into a crowd of strangers and not just assume they are talking about me behind my back. It is a sort of self serving narcisism and its ugly, I am not ugly; therefore, my paranoia ends now.
5) Drink more water (tea). I know they aren’t the same thing but for someone that consumes 2 cups of coffee and 3 20 oz sodas a day, they practically are. The strange thing is that I don’t like sweetened iced tea so this will be better too.
6) Get a “F”ing hobby, something that I love and enriches me. Like rowing or fencing, I am weird, it will be a weird hobby but I will do it. I am contemplating belly dancing but it is expensive.
That’s the list for now, I have no deadlines so to speak, but I would like to look decent in a swim suit in June, so maybe that is a good place to start.
Oh, in the spirit of enlightenment, here is my Haiku, the only form of poetry I can do.
I hope this was good,
I know I have been remiss,
I will need much luck.