What You Had Was The Best You'll Get

My lessons on conflict avoidance and being a doormat

Why don’t she write?

Sorry, again. I have been doing some reassessment. When I told my parents I was divorcing they asked, why? I perfectly legitimate question and my only answer was I didn’t like the person I was; I was tense, always ready for criticism or a fight. If there was a reaction to stress, I suffered from it. I spent days and dollars trying to make this person that everyone claimed was the appreciative, social, happy one; happy. And he never seemed happy to me; he was always angry, always shouting. We were eating and spending our way out of depression and unhappiness and never quite getting out of the spiral of feeding the beast that was devouring us. He desperately needed attention and love, I needed control. I tried giving him my total undivided attention and love (with the exception of our children, of course), leaving none for myself. I became angry and sad and sick.

Well, now I have the power to be the person I like. I want to give my time to charity, lose some weight, run a marathon, become a (mostly) vegan.  These are things I have always been told I really can’t do. I have to give my time to my kids, I am genetically and geographically screwed with food, I have asthma, and vegans are sick and sad.

I am already sick and sad; I have eczema, allergies, asthma and a neurological disorder called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. I recall as a active teenager I was never in better health, I don’t remember feeling as bad when I was sick then either.  And on the topic of charity, my kids should learn how to give of themselves without thought of reward.

I have always talked to them about creating their own “Pirate Code,” rules they follow because they believe them right. The idea that a person does the right thing because they will either be rewarded or punished is infantile and unself-actualized. In other words, if you are taught to thank God or curse the devil; I don’t feel you are taking responsibility for your actions. And as  firm believer in God, I really think he, like most fathers, want his children to be strong and take responsibility, to mature.

I am going to mature, I am going to set some goals for myself and see what I can learn from the process of attaining those goals. Here they are:

1) Lose 35  Lbs, I won’t tell you how much a weigh but this is not a unrealistic number.

2) Exercise everyday, eventually getting fit enough to train for a marathon.

3) Attempt a juice fast. I tried that lemonade syrup cayenne fast, that was awful. I have never felt worse. But all the evidence I have read about juice fasting is that is will positively affect my health.

4) Start thinking positively about myself and others. I am a pessimist, I would rather be pleasently surprised than dissappointed. For most of my life and my career, others have taken from me to better themselves and I have allowed that to poison my soul and my character. That will stop, I will not allow myself to be used but I will attempt to stop expecting it. I will count my blessings and feel overjoyed when I do. I know that I am a good loyal friend who would give the shirt off my back for anyone, I want others to see that as well. I want to be approachable and feel the confidence to go into a crowd of strangers and not just assume they are talking about me behind my back. It is a sort of self serving narcisism and its ugly, I am not ugly; therefore, my paranoia ends now.

5) Drink more water (tea). I know they aren’t the same thing but for someone that consumes 2 cups of coffee and 3 20 oz sodas a day, they practically are. The strange thing is that I don’t like sweetened iced tea so this will be better too.

6) Get a “F”ing hobby, something that I love and enriches me. Like rowing or fencing, I am weird, it will be a weird hobby but I will do it. I am contemplating belly dancing but it is expensive.

That’s the list for now, I have no deadlines so to speak, but I would like to look decent in a swim suit in June, so maybe that is a good place to start.

Oh, in the spirit of enlightenment, here is my Haiku, the only form of poetry I can do.

I hope this was good,

I know I have been remiss,

I will need much luck.


Every Woman Before Me Was a Mistake, Every One After Me Is a Consolation Prize

Sorry I have been so remiss, feeling sorry for myself and I have made a vow to stop being so unhappy or at least sharing it so much. I have absorbed myself with a Bones marathon. I am in mid season six. I also got a kidney stone but whatever. Now I am trying to ignore the fact that Ursula is spending this holiday with my fabulous children.  You know, four years ago today, we were in Disney World having a great time. Oh well, what can you do.

I am going to join a group here where I live in order to do some community service. I think it will be great and hope to actually make some good  friends. But I am also looking into schools. Trying to create a good path. I think I work better with a plan. Regardless, I have two great kids and some good friends, life is starting to have purpose again. Life is good.

And this is the episode in which you get back story.

When I graduated high school a year early, my goal was not fall in love, get married, or have babies. In fact, until I  met my ex, I never wanted to get married or have kids. The idea of some guy (aspecies with whom my experience  was spurious at that point) getting some say in what I do and limiting me was outrageous.  I was known as a man hater and had very few boyfriends in high school. But I met him and fell in love with  him. For the first time, I met someone that I was willing to trust with my heart. I thought him worthy. I was 17 and I don’t regret our marriage, what I regret is that my jaded 17 year heart was right about trusting anyone. Love is for other people, love is for those people that hold their hand out to the world and things just fall into place. The people that are given promotions without even applying and never have to study for a test. Not me, I am the kind that must struggle and sacrifice for the scraps. The illusion is shattered, there is no happily ever after and even when it ends and you try to be kind, he will just find someone else immediately and all your work at encouraging him and helping him get where he is will go to her and you, once again, will be left with no one to hold you when you are hurting.

I don’t trust easily, I honestly think this comes from my family. See when I was child my grandmother and aunt would pull toys from hands then grab me by the shoulders and shake me. My dad doesn’t believe me, my mom saw it happen and did nothing. I have been told since I was a child that I either made up my pain, was lying, or was blowing something completely out of proportion. I don’t trust people to take care of me, I don’t trust the people that I should because a fundamental building bloke of me is missing. I don’t ask for too much from anyone because I am afraid that the minute after I ask they are going to call up someone else and start saying mean things about me behind my back. I would rather my family think I hate them, then know I am a topic of conversation when I am not in the room. I don’t even want them to know about  my successes. That is the extent of my paranoia.

It starts insidiously, you have a panic attack about seeing your family and worry until you are sick that you are going to be called fat, or they are going to bring up the fact you quit school to have a baby by quilting blankets for all the granddaughters with their college colors; except you, you get your high school colors. He cares at first, tells you that you put on weight because you had a baby and it was in your family’s best interest that you stay at home with the infant while he gets a better paying job. You know its true but the sting of the insults hurts. But see, it happens again and he gets upset because his word isn’t golden and years of reinforced self criticism are not magically erased by his opinion. Then he just decides that while he is the kind of person people flock to, the one that is a joy to be around; you are just a naturally unhappy person. Your panic attacks and ulcers are because you cannot get over things and he is tired of  hearing you complain and he tells you what you should do and you just don’t do it. He tells you that you are the one the ruins all family outings and screams at you in teh car in front of your children, then pouts when you are upset. Then he apologizes and you think to yourself, how many times will I accept the apology?

See this blog as another purpose. Because I have been told that I am a liar and make up things. I have for the better part of my life thought, when my feelings are hurt, oh you are just being sensitive, you have it way better then many of the women you know. And I was satified with that. But when I started to tell one of my friends about the things happening I was told, no, this isn’t okay and you deserve more. I had a coworker tell me, when your husband calls, when you answer you sound different, sadder. I want to write things down so I can reference them and prove that, yes, these things did happen and I didn’t make them up and I have every right to be hurt.


Pride and Joy

Something amazing happened today. I became the mother of a 13 year old. Now, I don’t feel old, I feel accomplished. However, I do acknowledge the passage of time and wonder where it went. My baby has gone from infant to proto adult in a flash. And while his father and I didn’t last forever, I can’t imagine raising our beautiful children with anyone else. Regardless of his faults, he is a good father, the character and maturity of our children speaks directly to our success in teaching them their worth and how much they are loved. My parents came down and took us to lunch at a place of the dear childs choosing and we had a pleasant day all together. I am constantly amazed at the resilience of my children, after the past year they are still good, kind and sweet hearted. I am grateful and, for once, can allow myself to say that I have done something well.

Man Cannot Serve Two Masters

I hate quoting the Apostle Paul. However, in this instance he was right. My ex is trying to make both me and his new gf happy. Not possible, first of all, if he cared all that much about making me happy, he is a day late and a dollar short. Two, he is doing it wrong. Here is the situation, he told me he was taking our oldest to two movies, one in the morning, one in the afternoon. Well as I had the boys the night before, I texted asking when he was going to come over and get him. In my ex’s typical way, he changed the plans, without informing the pertinent parties. You know why he decided to take our kid to only one movie, he was snuggling in bed with his gf. The one thing, one thing I asked that he not do, break promises to our kids in order to get his leg over and he does it the first opportunity he gets. Well, at this point I text him saying that he was going to have to tell our son that his dad was blowing him off. What does the fool do, rushes the gf out of his house and rushes to mine. I didn’t ask him to do this, I didn’t want him to do this. He chooses this path and, justifiably the gf gets mad. (No, really!) And accuses us of playing around and having our fun so maybe we should stop hurting other people and just get back together. As a woman who has been through this, I think this is incredibly tasteless to say to anyone. I have spent way too long being the target for other to vent their anger that I am choosing to not get over this. Call me petty. But after a few weeks of hearing about how awesome and cool she is and hard her life has been and how she thinks she has won the lottery but getting to be with a guy like him. Just wait darling, but maybe she is one of those women that derive their self worth from the guy their seeing, or enjoys being treated like a child. She is, of course younger than I am, much cuter and cooler. (I am used to people being cooler and cuter than me, this is no surprise.) I really just wish he would stop talking about her to me because when he says to me that he didn’t know women could be that firm or the how often she stays over night with him or how he just wishes they could see each other more, what I hear is, “see I am doing the new relationship stuff right that means all our problems were your fault.”

He is also rewriting the rules he made for me when we broke up. When we broke up he asked that if/when I started dating, that I wait six months to introduce the new relationship to our kids. Well he and the new perfect amazing flawless genius gorgeous women (who is younger than I am) have been dating three maybe four and Her Royal Highness has been given the blessing of meeting my babies. These children that I protect to the point that I don’t let some of my family around them, this stranger has gotten to meet. Fantastic!

Let’s not even get into the fact that my whole family has decided that they have to be mad at someone and I have defended him to them until I am blue in the face, that they have all decided that I am to be their anger target. You know why I defend him, because his family is the most duplicitous group of unsupportive pretentious yet slightly red neck people I have ever met. His mom has decided that on this year that her son and two of her grandkids might like her support, to completely blow off two holidays and all their birthdays. My ex’s brother and his wife couldn’t stand me from the beginning (they met my sister first, common problem for me). You would think that they would be supporting him and the throwing a thousand Divorce Parties for him. But no, he has been practically ignored. I am sure they will all the looovvvee the new gf though. If only because she is not me.

I am tired, worn out. I want this man to be my friend and as he will be in my life forever (duh we have kids), I know keeping peace is essential. I just really need someone to vent to myself. I guess that is why I unleashing my issues on the internet. Not that I ever expect it to be read, I am no Samuel Pepys. But attention must be paid, I guess. Even if it is just me reading these. 

I know this might come as a shock; however, …

I have a cat. He likes to meow very loudly at night, he kept me up all night last night. Boo! Our relationship is great, he is like a normal roommate. He eats my food and I have to clean up his crap. It is New Year’s Eve. I am not a huge stay-up-later but I might with my kids. A new year, new habits, we will see. Because of the cats antics, I might not be able to stay up later than 8 pm. 

I am facing a crappy quandary. To drop a friend. Lets call him Doof ( I have my reasons). This friend was very supportive during my early separation from my soon-to-be ex, I even thought about dating him and making him more important. He has proven; though, to not be worthy. I have been taking a good look at what I consider my worth and what kinds of people and events have influenced how I feel about myself and my own concept of my self-worth. For too long I have been the quiet one that was willing to be satisfied with the scraps of attention I was given, or even outright abuse by people that were supposed to love and protect me. I have also determined, at least at this point, I would rather be alone that compromise. I did that already and his excuse for no longer caring about my happiness and refusing to make similar compromises for me, was that he thought I was just a naturally unhappy person. Not altogether true. I am intense, so I have been told, and I have the kind of personality that people either really love or detest. Very few people feel mediocre about me. But I am very dependable, loyal and honest to a fault. I find those aspects valuable and am refusing to bring someone deeper into my life that is constantly criticizes me and doesn’t appear to even like me when we aren’t doing what Doof wants to do.  I think I have my answer but it pains me. I don’t make friends easily and he and I have quite a bit in common. But I cannot waste any more energy on an unproductive relationship.

Back onto the theme of New Year’s, I wanted to end with a positive note. For all the earthshatteringness of 2012, I have a great deal for which to be grateful and to look forward to experiencing. I have two healthy children, I can pay most of my bills (thanks for coving the car payment dad, love you), and I am starting to make plans for the future again.  All these things are positive and think that counting my blessings sometimes is a very important and beneficial exercise that I should do more often. So on that convivial note, goodbye 2012. Here’s to 2013 being blessed even more so.

The Definition of Insanity

Today, I spent too much time with my ex. Ran some errands and the conversation turned to his new girlfriend. He asked why I decided to hate her. I can’t say why this is a huge surprise to him. We separated in August and they are already using the “L” word. His quick move to this level with this new women before we have completely settled our breakup, has made me question whether he loved me for 15 years or just loved the idea of being married and making a family (I don’t doubt his commitment to that or that he is a fabulous father). I was merely along for the ride. When I met him and fell in love, I fell in love with him and made sacrifices to better serve what I was building with him. I didn’t go to college to meet a husband and start making house. An Mrs. degree with not my goal. That is what I got though and I failed at that too. He wonders why I don’t have much motivation to sort out the paperwork (by myself) or look into PhD programs or a better job. My dad keeps asking me if I am alright yet. 

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Just another seeker after sand dollars on the shores of Art and Culture.

Paddy K

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What You Had Was The Best You'll Get

My lessons on conflict avoidance and being a doormat

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